Today is the first day of the last year in my thirties. I’m not really as freaked out by that as I thought I would be about 15 years ago. I see it more as an empowerment. I am alive. I am well. I am loved. 39 is the year that I will finally thrive.
What have I been doing all the rest of the time, you ask? Valid question. I guess the best word to describe me over my life as long as I can remember is striving. Striving to be what everyone wanted me to be. Striving to be less of what they didn’t want me to be. Striving to earn love. Striving to earn acceptance. Saying yes when I most definitely should’ve said no, over and over and over. Working as hard as I could to be the person everyone wanted me to be, less of this, more of that, doing this, doing that… losing myself and demolishing myself in the process.
Being totally frank about all this, I am damn tired. I know where all this started and I was very very young. So I’ve been essentially trying to earn acceptance for a good 30 years. I’m calling early retirement on my striving and it’s going to cost a lot of things. I’ve spent the last 6 months counting the cost of those things, and I’ve decided that I’m willing to pay.
God has instilled in me a very, very specific dream. It’s a starter dream of sorts. One that will lead to others. I’ve put it off. I’ve been SUPER understanding with the people in my life. I’ve done everything anybody ever asked me to do (up until about 6 months ago when all these things started coming up). I rearranged and made things happen. I picked up where they left off. I took their responsibilities. I put all these things in a backpack, threw it over my shoulders and trudged along, smile on my face, unknowingly, slowly crushing myself beneath that weight. There’s so much more that I’ve carried, but I think that’s a pretty good summary.
It’s going to cost people. I’ve actually held off because of this. There will be people not happy with who God is changing me into. There will be people who will not be happy when I say no. There will be people who will not understand what’s happening. That’s OK. I’ve come to terms with that. The one’s who stay are the one’s who truly love and support me and aren’t those the one’s I should want around anyway?
It’s going to cost time. This won’t be an overnight change. It will take patience. But, God hasn’t given up on me yet and I know that He will see me through to complete the good work He is doing in me.
It will cost me comfort. This will hurt the most. I’ve created this comfy little shell of protection around myself because I’ve become accustomed to not being able to trust people and being hurt by those that come into my life. Breaking down those walls will be super hard. Stepping out of the things that make me comfy will suck. But I gotta.
It is going to cost me effort. These things in me are DEEPLY rooted. The seeds were planted decades ago, and the experiences in my life since have reinforced that horrible plant. The roots are deep and wide and truly encompass me at times. Not all will be able to be undone, but all will be overcome with focus and with the help of the Holy Spirit.
All this sounds kinda negative and maybe icky… but I’ve never felt freer than I do right this second. I’ve never felt more excited than I do right now. The longing I have to be unstuck is so overwhelming. There’s so many things I want to do. There’s so many things God wants me to do. Now is the time.
Here’s to a year (or more) of healing.
This is what I asked Lyle to get me for my birthday gift. It was lovely when I received it from because I thought maybe he’d forgotten (as he does at times). Putting one foot in front of the other, walking out this path. God is good. I’m looking forward to good things.